Suicide Awareness

You would be surprised at how hard it is at times to keep upbeat and keep on keepin on.

One can't help but love you Princess *heh*

I think a lot of people suffer from survivor's guilt of some sort after someone close to them commits suicide. It's so hard to enjoy certain things when you know they can't anymore.

Yesterday evening at 8,45pm marked 12 years since that phone call the one that said he was dead.

I found myself looking at the clock that moment fixed like a photograph in my mind, I know the TV show that was on, I can rememeber the phone ringing and realising it was a UK number , saying hello thinking OMG is mum ok.

And then....blank, that news hits like a punch in the stomach and causes a blankness of disbelief.

Yesterday my neice left a tribute for her father on social media she says as time passes she is scared that one day she will forget the sound of her fathers voice. She is sad that her father has never seen what she has become that his leaving like that made her grow up in an instant.

I couldnt reply, I know only too well what it means and how they remain in fragments and in opposing emotions the love you have and the anger for leaving you like this.
It so hard 12 years on for her father but also 36 years on for mine..

For Neal.
I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too,
I think of you in silence I often speak your name
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame
Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part
God has you in His keeping I have you in my heart.

Happy belated birthday Cassie, my heart is with you. If your brother was in so much pain that he had to get out of it that way, I hope you would find comfort knowing he is in a better place for himself now.

I couldnt understand why Ive been so off this week and then I took a good look at the date.

Of course its been 12 years this week since we said goodbye to my brother the day when the hearse moved slowly down the road , police officers stopped traffic and saluted as we passed. When the long lane to the crematorium was lined with HMP officers all in full uniform all saluting as his coffin passed but with tears running down their faces..

The doors to the church wouldnt shut because so many wanted to get inside to say goodbye.

He wasnt famous or rich he was just a bloke who loved football a pint down the pub and a good laugh , he loved his daughter and us and yet he couldnt tell anyone , he felt unable to ask for help.

Some of the same people who stood in that church next to us are the ones on social media saying that MM claims of depression are acting /rubbish / made up/fake … I wonder did my brother worry that was what people would think of him? Did he worry about being laughed at mocked and ridiculed? Is that why he went out all alone and put the noose round his neck?

I dont know we never will …. But I know it explains why Ive felt so bad and why I really dont like people right now..

I would have a hard time giving those people the time of day let alone confiding with them about anything else..



Think twice , speak once, above all else be kind.

Why? Are you planning to off yourself? I want to add one little thing here. We are taught that he is a forgiving God. Which makes me wonder why the church always preaches as though he's not. There's always time to revisit that subject & change your mind.

There are Egyptian gods & Indian gods. However, they are merely idols not actual gods. They have no godlike qualities. They are of manmade materials for worshipping only. The Christian God is the only one true God of the universe. He asks us to believe with the mind of a child. Children are generally very open & trusting with their parents when they are little because they feel safe with them. This is what God wants us to do in order to have faith in him. 

It is very supernatural. I've actually physically seen demons so I have no issues with believing. I also know what I experienced when I got saved so I will be remaining a believer to the end. I have no proof that God exists other than what he's done for me which most would simply call fate. I don't just count it as fate because when I pray he answers. Sometimes he says no. It's hard to believe in something that isn't tangible. But I figure if I can see demons & feel their essence when they're around via music or tv programs or through other people...then I will likely be able to see & identify Christ when he returns. That is my hope. I wish I had better answers for you. I will find out when I pass into the next phase of my life...the grave...what waits for me on the other side. I may be wrong. But if I'm not...I don't wanna take the chance of spending eternity in hell & separated from God. I just can't handle that.

He's the only reason I wake up every day & try to make my way in life. If not for Him I would've likely killed myself by now. He's been my only comfort over the years. My one true love. Not in a romantic sense. He has been by my side & helped me through some pretty awful crap. Stuff that would've caused a total mental breakdown in others. He has built up a strength in me because of these difficulties which I believe he will one day use. He's the reason I'm the caring & loving person that I am. He's the reason I keep trying to respond with loving kindness to people even when they treat me like crap. I didn't used to be that way. I'm not perfect by any means. 

I have a happier life now than I ever had before even with my other problems. He always finds a way to bring a little joy to each day somehow. Because he knows my heart. He knows what I makes me smile. I look forward to the day when I can throw my arms around God & hug him to death and tell him how much I love him.

I have read the bible cover to cover a couple times now. Sometimes I wonder about some of it. I'm not sure if God expects us to understand it I think he just wants his story to be known. I don't know how preachers can know what this biblical stuff means but they do their best to teach us with the bible about how to apply these things to today's world. 

But if you spend no time in the bible or viewing the proper church services & spend no time with God then it's going to be difficult to understand this. Mind you I'm not pointing a finger and condemning. Just making a statement. God is a supernatural being. He's part of the universe not the world. This world is only a temporary home for the vessels of our bodies. I don't know why God had us born into the world. Maybe he was lonely. Who knows? Me? I would've ended us a long long time ago. 

Prayers? That's it?

I remember the same thing Cherry. We were lead to believe basically just that.

Thanks for the hug

I am happy as a disbeliever, honestly. I am equally happy that you are sorted in your religious beliefs.

So am happy to back away from this debate.

Like most xians, you like to think peops want converted. I have found that the more I hear of the supernatural, the less I like it. 

Happy for you to be happy with it.

adaline Im glad youve had good expeirences. The local catholic priest turned up after my brother died and asked what my mother had planned for the funeral ( $$$) then added that as my brother wasnt baptised and had killed himself he wouldnt go to heaven and would end up in limbo if he was lucky... Mum uttered only two words they began and ended in F