Punishment time

Kill the Kilt.

If I was a guy I wouldn't get caught dead in one.

I don't even like skirts on myself
unless I'm out playing commando.

As long as they weren't pointed sticks! (Monty Python). I believe that we have more young hoodlums in this country now because they didn't receive appropriate punishment after acting improperly.
Di, do you like Monty Python? I do.

This is a difficult subject for me to talk about.

My Mom kicked, slapped, punched, spanked, and yanked my hair around all of growing up. Her favorite thing was to yank my hair and smack me in the head repeatedly because, and these are her words,"Your hair covers the bruises that way."

This didn't bother me because I wanted to protect my Mom and keep her from going to jail, so I wound up agreeing with her logic.

She always yanked on my hair so hard that my head would be in pounding pain for hours afterwards. And she told me one time that it was satisfying for her to do that to me because of the way I screamed. If I hadn't screamed, like my brother didn't scream, she wouldn't have done it.

She always said to me that I wasn't scared enough of her or I would always obey her. And that she would make me scared.

She was very cruel with words, too. She was religious and she had some spiritual hallucinations from God or as she called them "visions" from God. She'd always tell me I was possessed all the time and evil and going to hell. And that I was the worst brat she ever met.

She actually continued to hit me and beat me from the time I was a child until I was 25 years old and had already moved out of the house. I'm 29 now, so she only stopped 4 years ago. It was more like a gradual thing where she just started doing it less and less and started apologizing for it and realizing it was wrong to do. By 25, she was doing it once a year to every two years. So as an adult, she did it very rarely to me, but it still happened.

I never used to fight her back, but I started to when I was an adult and I think that's some of what caused her to stop. She also stopped believing that I was possessed at the age of 16 (she said God showed her I was a good person and I bawled like a baby when she said it. I never thought she would say anything like that.) It was probably another hallucination, but at least it was a GOOD hallucination.

Her and I have a pretty good relationship now, although that might sound hard to believe. But she's very strange and it's hard for me to explain her to other people. I forgive her for what she did, but that doesn't erase the fact that I'm still traumatized from it. So I still sometimes flinch when she raises her voice or curl up in a ball at night because I feel like I am evil and feel complete disgust with myself and I just cry and wonder how I can save my soul.

Unsurprisingly, I didn't become religious like my mother. I gave it all up as an adult, but it didn't take the guilt away completely. It's something I'm trying to get rid of slowly over time. Despite all this, I don't hate all religious people or all religion. I just don't like the guilt in it.

So although my mother and I talk now and we are close, we still have this weird and horrible past, and she's still a strange person even though she's not usually mean now, so it's kind of weird the way I relate to her.

She still has this really cold side though that doesn't come out often, but it did come out a couple of months ago and it was so horrible. My husband was there and he said it's just like I have two mothers and this makes sense to me. I have the nice mother and the mean mother.

The nice mother, I always feel like I need her so badly, she's super, super nice. She buys things for me and offers to do things for me and sympathizes with everything I say and apologizes for everything she did in the past, but I'm afraid of the mean mother coming back and hurting me emotionally because I never truly know when or if she might come back. The mean mother seems to be dying more and more all the time, but I'm still kind of scared of her. The mean Mom doesn't hit anymore, but the way she makes me feel badly for needing her really hurts my feelings.

Mean Mom was around for my wedding. She refused to go shopping for my wedding dress with me (she just didn't want to) and I had no one else to go with, so my husband wound up taking me and covering his eyes the whole time. She told me the wedding dress was ugly when she saw me trying it on at home and complained about everything to do with my wedding and when I confronted her about it and told her that I was going to uninvite her to the wedding, she laughed in my face and said,"You won't do that. You need me too much." And she was right.

She tried to abandon me a few times when I was a kid. She told me I was too evil for her to be around anymore because of things I did and ran off with my brother and left me with my Dad. She eventually came back every time, but it's always made me feel so needy and pathetic towards my Mom. And so scared of the fact that I need her and that she could so readily leave me like that.

I know it sounds like, why did I forgive my Mom? But it's a lot because nice Mom is so strong now. She's around most of the time and she goes above and beyond what other people would ever do for me. Nice Mom truly loves me and she's killing mean Mom over time completely, so it's hard for me not to want to be around her. She understands me and unconditionally loves me. It's not anything I do that makes mean Mom come out (that's partly why I am scared of her.) She comes out randomly and unpredictably. Nice Mom will love me even if I cuss at her or act horrible in some way. Nice Mom would even buy me stuff WHILE I am doing that. Nice Mom will drive two hours just to be there for me if I am sad. Mean Mom will get mad at me for walking into the room on the other hand.

I told my Mom if she ever hit my kids when I have kids someday that she will never be allowed to see them again. She was hurt, but I don't care. I can subject myself to a weird relationship with my mother, but I won't allow it to happen to any kids I have.

I will not eat a single morsel of food today for you, and your mom.

I will fast for your honor, I promise.

Fortunately none of us got my mom's mean gene.

I'm just the opposite, which unfortunately obscure reality for me sometimes.

I don't pray (sorry), but if I did it would be for you.
I guess that's kind of a prayer.

Chin up!

My like was similar to Cherry's. It's also kind of like a hug, even though I'm not much of a hugger.

Sometimes people can change for the better, so I do hope that's all that happened with your mother. I hope you reach a point where you don't have to be afraid of mean mom returning... I hope she never comes back.

I agree, if she ever hurts your (future) children, then don't let her around them anymore. You've seen what she is capable of, so it's logical to be cautious. I don't know if I'd even leave someone like that alone with my children, even if she did change, you just never know. It's terrible to have to feel that way about family, but sometimes that's just how it is, I guess =/

A lot of the reason I opened up about it was because all of you opened up about such personal things on this thread, too, and I appreciated that and all of your stories.

I don't really try to compare my experiences with other people, Michelle. I don't know everything that you've gone through with your Mom, but it's just hard in different ways for both of us. I can't imagine my Mom not setting a place for me, at least she always did that! And it sounds so painful.

At least my Mom acknowledges what she has done and apologizes to me. I've read stories online of people in similar situations where their mother says that they made the whole thing up. That sounds so horrible to me and I think it's part of the reason that I forgave my mother. I see that she tries and I see that she feels bad.

I don't know. It all adds to the guilt. Like I said, nice Mom is so nice and nice Mom even came over to see me yesterday and I was thinking about this post and feeling bad about it. Because it IS like I have two mothers in a way. And I don't want nice Mom to feel bad about what mean Mom has done. I only want mean Mom to feel bad about it, so she stops being mean Mom. I don't know if that makes any sense whatsoever, but I love nice Mom so much, I don't like her feeling sad.

I know my Mom has some mental health issues because of the hallucinations and stuff. I didn't really talk about those in detail, but my Mom has described seeing all kinds of strange things to me. She's had many visions.

But I've also been in therapy a lot for the abuse I suffered. My Mom sometimes would kind of blame me for the abuse. I mean, she apologized and stuff, but she said she would feel like she had to do it at the time. Like I was pushing her to do it or something by misbehaving so badly.

I've found out this is what most abusers say. They try to blame it on the person they abused and don't realize that they have complete control over themselves.

And so I've made a point of always telling myself,"I have a choice about how I treat people. No matter what they do to me, I have a choice and I can be in control of myself." I strive to think things through, even when I am angry.

I have to remember, even though I don't like it, how terrified I've been of my Mom before because my Mom has told me stories and children, especially the girls in my Mom's family, have been abused for generations. My Mom was in foster care because of it. So it's literally up to me to break the cycle of kids being beaten for generations. And as long as I can remember what it felt like, I can remember how helpless kids feel around their parents and strive to make sure when I have kids, they feel safe with me, rather than scared.

I want them to love me, not be afraid of me.

I'm sorry you had it soo bad bc you did.

Weird as it sounds, it makes me feel less alone.

I don't blame my mom for everything.
I think I used to.

I'm just trying out my wings of self reliance.

Even though your Mom isn't here, you have a bunch of Sisters that are. Carry on, Liz.

Well, it sounds like you do come from a caring family.