Post by cassie on Jan 10, 2015 4:58:27 GMT -5
Ladies I wrote this a long time ago and its all true.. I got slated a while back because someone said I was blaming the victims.. Thats not true.
My point in my post was that I will not stand by and do nothing. I was urging others to do the same. It could be calling the police or offering a woman a place to stay but all of us who enable violent men ( and women) to carry on in their persecution of their partners are only contributing to the problem.
My grandmother was beaten to a pulp on many occasions... her crime was to have had my father outside of wedlock. When he was young my father thought the word bas***d meant son because thats what his stepfather called him all the time. As he got older he was also on the reciving end of the beatings but my gran couldnt leave, in those days a woman didnt automatically get custody. So she stayed and my father had a breakdown at the age of 10. He developed Bi-polar disprder and was never able to shake it off in the end aged 38 he decided life was too hard to cope with and committed suicide. I still wonder how much that early abuse contributed to his final decision.
My aunt (mothers side) was also beaten and although her husband never beat the children the effect of what they witnessed is easily visible my niece took up with a man who beat her and locked her in a cellar (she didnt know any different) and my nephew is an abusive bully who has taken over where his father left off and regularly beats my aunt if she doesnt give him money..
All attempts at help have failed. But at least as a fmaily we tried.
If someone had offered my gran a bit more than just tea and sympathy who knows what she migt have been able to do, who knows if my father might have seen a way to shake off the spectre of his past. With that in mind I wrote..
BUT I LOVE HIM.
These four words bring a sinking feeling to the pit of my stomach. I want to grab the woman saying them by her shoulders and shake her awake..But I know that unless she can see past this love fog and into the clear light of reality she will never be able to help herself or accept help from anyone else.
I first heard those words when I was about 9 or 10 and it was my neighbour who said them...I was going shopping on a Saturday morning with my mother when our neighbour appeared as she often did, wearing sunglasses ..you know the type, big owl like things... Mum gently stroked her arm and said ´ not again Anne, why don't you leave the sod´?
Anne smiled weakly shaking her head and uttered those four words ...´but I love him´...
We knew all about Anne and Tim most of our block knew, but we could also hear them..mum would turn the telly up when they were at it..
Council houses have thin walls and we would hear her beg him not to hit her, again and again and again.. Sometimes the kids Julie and Mark would join in and we would hear them begging, crying ' please daddy don't hurt her' ..
It was embarrassing when they played out next day and we all knew what was going on but no one would talk about it..
Anne told my mum that Tim hadn't always been like that he was a lovely guy really and it was just stress..
He was a golf tutor and always looked so handsome so nicely turned out in his pringle jumpers his shoes gleaming black with the white fringe.. It was hard to believe that the suave, friendly, handsome exterior hid a monster.
I know the abuse went on until I left home at 16 , ive no idea if or when he got over his 'stress' and stopped..
When I married we moved to Burton Latimer and there was a young couple next door with a baby just 3 months older than ours..
Pam and John...I soon realised that John was just like Tim, sweetness and light to the outside and a monster behind closed doors.Pam often wore long sleeves in summer to hide the bruises and once I saw cigarette burns on her back when her t-shirt rode up
..Later when she couldn't hide what was happening she told me..He had thrown her downstairs when she was 6 months pregnant. She bled for a week but didn't dare go to a doctor. Their baby was born with a deformity to his head and a hole in the heart. I don't know if this was caused by the abuse his father dished out but it couldn't have helped. When she got pregnant the second time he forced her to have an abortion. I asked her ' why don't you leave go back to your mums' ? A myriad of excuses followed and then ' but I love him ' ...
We moved here and one of the first people we met was a taxi driver ..he was married and had a little girl. We soon found out he would let young female passengers off the fare if they had sex with him. His wife found out because she got an STD..She asked me what to do and I said ' empty the bank account change the locks and get a lawyer' .
She looked dazed and said ´but I love him ´
Ive met women who are not hit but who are locked indoors, one I knew wasn't allowed a front door key that way he knew she couldn't go out without him knowing. Others have very limited or no access to money one of my friends told me her OH did that because ' Im too stupid to manage money' another woman who´s husband would strip her naked and lock her in the cupboard boasted that she was clever because she now had a blanket and some food hidden in there. Poor deluded woman.. her reasoning was, he wasn't all bad because ´he never hits me´
My sons friend who thinks her OH may have abused their 3 yr old has gone back to him because ' she loves him' My son is livid he cant understand it...Its the first time hes ever heard it.
Loving these people isn't enough, by loving them you condone their behaviour and give them permission to treat you that way and abuse escalates if not nipped in the bud..
2.5 million women will experience violence in the home each year, there is twice the chance of being violently attacked by your partner than by a stranger and every year thousands die at the hand of the man who promised to love and cherish her...
These are not all dowry murders or honor killings or trailer trash people, they are people like you and me all colours, all creeds, all religions, from poor low income to the rich famous and high society its a problem that crosses all boundaries and yet its one that remains behind closed doors.
So Im sorry if I sometimes sound harsh or angry or tough but there's only so many times I can hear those words before I get physically sick...
I don't want to have to see friends with bruises, burns, black eyes, no self esteem or respect downtrodden shadows of the lively bright women they once were..
I don't want to visit people in hospital who have ´fallen down the stairs´..again !
BUT I LOVE HIM ... is an excuse I don't want to have to hear anymore.
My point in my post was that I will not stand by and do nothing. I was urging others to do the same. It could be calling the police or offering a woman a place to stay but all of us who enable violent men ( and women) to carry on in their persecution of their partners are only contributing to the problem.
My grandmother was beaten to a pulp on many occasions... her crime was to have had my father outside of wedlock. When he was young my father thought the word bas***d meant son because thats what his stepfather called him all the time. As he got older he was also on the reciving end of the beatings but my gran couldnt leave, in those days a woman didnt automatically get custody. So she stayed and my father had a breakdown at the age of 10. He developed Bi-polar disprder and was never able to shake it off in the end aged 38 he decided life was too hard to cope with and committed suicide. I still wonder how much that early abuse contributed to his final decision.
My aunt (mothers side) was also beaten and although her husband never beat the children the effect of what they witnessed is easily visible my niece took up with a man who beat her and locked her in a cellar (she didnt know any different) and my nephew is an abusive bully who has taken over where his father left off and regularly beats my aunt if she doesnt give him money..
All attempts at help have failed. But at least as a fmaily we tried.
If someone had offered my gran a bit more than just tea and sympathy who knows what she migt have been able to do, who knows if my father might have seen a way to shake off the spectre of his past. With that in mind I wrote..
BUT I LOVE HIM.
These four words bring a sinking feeling to the pit of my stomach. I want to grab the woman saying them by her shoulders and shake her awake..But I know that unless she can see past this love fog and into the clear light of reality she will never be able to help herself or accept help from anyone else.
I first heard those words when I was about 9 or 10 and it was my neighbour who said them...I was going shopping on a Saturday morning with my mother when our neighbour appeared as she often did, wearing sunglasses ..you know the type, big owl like things... Mum gently stroked her arm and said ´ not again Anne, why don't you leave the sod´?
Anne smiled weakly shaking her head and uttered those four words ...´but I love him´...
We knew all about Anne and Tim most of our block knew, but we could also hear them..mum would turn the telly up when they were at it..
Council houses have thin walls and we would hear her beg him not to hit her, again and again and again.. Sometimes the kids Julie and Mark would join in and we would hear them begging, crying ' please daddy don't hurt her' ..
It was embarrassing when they played out next day and we all knew what was going on but no one would talk about it..
Anne told my mum that Tim hadn't always been like that he was a lovely guy really and it was just stress..
He was a golf tutor and always looked so handsome so nicely turned out in his pringle jumpers his shoes gleaming black with the white fringe.. It was hard to believe that the suave, friendly, handsome exterior hid a monster.
I know the abuse went on until I left home at 16 , ive no idea if or when he got over his 'stress' and stopped..
When I married we moved to Burton Latimer and there was a young couple next door with a baby just 3 months older than ours..
Pam and John...I soon realised that John was just like Tim, sweetness and light to the outside and a monster behind closed doors.Pam often wore long sleeves in summer to hide the bruises and once I saw cigarette burns on her back when her t-shirt rode up
..Later when she couldn't hide what was happening she told me..He had thrown her downstairs when she was 6 months pregnant. She bled for a week but didn't dare go to a doctor. Their baby was born with a deformity to his head and a hole in the heart. I don't know if this was caused by the abuse his father dished out but it couldn't have helped. When she got pregnant the second time he forced her to have an abortion. I asked her ' why don't you leave go back to your mums' ? A myriad of excuses followed and then ' but I love him ' ...
We moved here and one of the first people we met was a taxi driver ..he was married and had a little girl. We soon found out he would let young female passengers off the fare if they had sex with him. His wife found out because she got an STD..She asked me what to do and I said ' empty the bank account change the locks and get a lawyer' .
She looked dazed and said ´but I love him ´
Ive met women who are not hit but who are locked indoors, one I knew wasn't allowed a front door key that way he knew she couldn't go out without him knowing. Others have very limited or no access to money one of my friends told me her OH did that because ' Im too stupid to manage money' another woman who´s husband would strip her naked and lock her in the cupboard boasted that she was clever because she now had a blanket and some food hidden in there. Poor deluded woman.. her reasoning was, he wasn't all bad because ´he never hits me´
My sons friend who thinks her OH may have abused their 3 yr old has gone back to him because ' she loves him' My son is livid he cant understand it...Its the first time hes ever heard it.
Loving these people isn't enough, by loving them you condone their behaviour and give them permission to treat you that way and abuse escalates if not nipped in the bud..
2.5 million women will experience violence in the home each year, there is twice the chance of being violently attacked by your partner than by a stranger and every year thousands die at the hand of the man who promised to love and cherish her...
These are not all dowry murders or honor killings or trailer trash people, they are people like you and me all colours, all creeds, all religions, from poor low income to the rich famous and high society its a problem that crosses all boundaries and yet its one that remains behind closed doors.
So Im sorry if I sometimes sound harsh or angry or tough but there's only so many times I can hear those words before I get physically sick...
I don't want to have to see friends with bruises, burns, black eyes, no self esteem or respect downtrodden shadows of the lively bright women they once were..
I don't want to visit people in hospital who have ´fallen down the stairs´..again !
BUT I LOVE HIM ... is an excuse I don't want to have to hear anymore.