Post by jess5719 on Aug 28, 2022 8:03:45 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
I don’t post on here often, but just after some advice really from someone impartial.
This is probably going to be a really long post so I do apologise!
At the end of last year, I helped a friend of mine get a job within the company that I work for, and in the same department as me.
I really enjoy where I work. I like my job and I like my work colleagues. Everyone has a grumble about their job sometimes, but overall, I am mostly happy there.
I helped my friend with his interview, assessments and did all his training after he started . I was even on hand to answer his questions during my annual leave.
Within the first few weeks of starting, I found my friend to be quite disrespectful towards me. If I asked him to help me with something or “would you mind picking up such and such?” I would get snarky replies or just ignored but if another colleague would ask him, he would say “yes of course!!”.
On other occasions, If I had noticed a mistake he had made with something, I would try and help him and would just be ignored, whereas again, another colleague would tell him the same thing, and get an overly nice reply. My friend would constantly ask me questions as to why we do things a certain way and when I would answer, he would scoff and say “that’s ridiculous” and then moan and rant about the company, his job and the process in which we do things.
3 months in and I had become quite exhausted with it, almost to the point of regretting mentioning the job vacancy within my team. He is very selective over who hears his moaning and it is often chunnering under his breath. He bangs his mouse around in temper and sometimes gives the middle finger to the computer, if he has received an email he doesn’t like. I started to find it all a little bit uncomfortable.
After reflection, I decided to drop my manager an email and ask her if she had any advice? She called me in for an informal chat.
A few months passed and I thought things had settled down but sadly not. I asked my friend one day to help me sort through the post as I had quite a lot on, and he snapped back “yeah, in a minute!!” And then proceeded to read the dailymail for 40 minutes as he had no work of his own to do.
Later on in the day, my manager noticed that something was amiss and called us both into a meeting. My friend completely tried to throw me under the bus and told absolute lies about how he didn’t want to help me with the post as I had sat doing nothing all day. This was a blatant lie and my manager rightly told him that as we do separate jobs, with all due respect, he doesn’t know what I do and don’t do with my day, so basically not to pass comment.
I was furious, and after my friend left the meeting room, I burst into tears because I just didn’t understand what I had done that was so wrong, for my so called friend to be behaving in this way towards me.
I was then off on annual leave and I also had covid, so I was away from the office for a while.
After I returned, the dust had settled some what and my friend and I began talking a little and after a week or so, it had blown over.
However, the continuous moaning still continued on. The slamming of the desk, the two fingers to the computer, the huffing and puffing and chunnering under his breath. Moaning at being asked to do little things.
My work from home days changed and luckily, I then only had to work with him one day a week, but I started to find it a bit uncomfortable, once again.
Other colleagues have picked up on his mood, moaning and general negativity but again, he is selective of what people see and hear, so to be honest, they don’t really see or hear the half of what goes on.
He also slumps in his chair, to the point he is practically lay down! and got called into his own meeting a few weeks ago for falling asleep at his desk in the middle of the day!
However, last week, we yet again had trouble. IT had made some changes to the way that we work and obviously my friend was not happy with this. Within an hour of being together (during the only day we are both in the office at the same time), the moaning had become too much and I tried to make a joke (maybe in poor taste) and I said “do you know what I love about you? Your positivity!”
It was a joke, everyone laughed. My friend came back with a snarky, bitter reply of “says you!?”. It was no longer a light hearted joke, my mood changed and my friend said that with nastiness and bitterness in his voice.
I said “I don’t moan?” And he said “no…just about absolutely everything”.
What started as a joke, had now taken a turn. There was nastiness in his voice, bitterness almost, maybe some resentment.
My friend sulked with me with the rest of the day, almost turning her back towards me. I sit at the end of a row, and so felt quite isolated. I felt upset for the rest of the day.
I’ve had a rubbish couple of years. We had 3 deaths in the family and my mum went through treatment for breast cancer. I also have my own health issues and need surgery myself in the coming months.
It came across as if my friend resents me having a moan sometimes about the issues in my life or the rubbish things that have happened. My argument is that these are real life problems, whereas his moans and grumbles are about a computer and teaspoons in a sink. Very trivial things.
He’s very lucky in that he has never really had any issues with his health and his parents, to say they are in their 70’s, are perfectly fit and healthy. He’s never experienced any trauma. He lives a very charmed life.
That night after I got home from work, I thought to myself, I can’t have an atmosphere within my department that happened last time over “postgate”, so I sent him a message to try and smooth things over.
It became clear that there are some underlying issues and built up resentment, as my friend replied and blamed me for everything.
He said that me mentioning about his moaning had come out of the blue.
I said that it had gone on for a long long time, and that a few months into him starting, it got that bad that I had to broach my manager for advice over how to handle it.
Well, he did not take kindly to this!
He says I’m disgusting for doing that and it’s unforgivable. He said “I would never have done that to you!!” . He then finished the message with “you exhaust me. I don’t want to know you anymore”
I was then blocked.
He has removed himself from any WhatsApp groups we were in (not the work ones though, he wouldn’t want anyone else to see him over reacting!).
I was also unfriended and blocked on fb.
I went in work the next day and called a meeting with my manager to let her know what had happened, and that my friend will likely no longer want to work with me as he “does not want to know me anymore”.
What I didn’t get chance to explain to my friend was, I emailed my manager that day for advice, as his attitude and behaviour was getting me down and I didn’t know what else to do or how to handle it. I thought it was the best solution and kindest thing to do. My friend is not approachable, otherwise, I would have just spoken to him myself.
I’ve never been in that meeting room as many times as I have since my friend started. I brought him into my workplace It’s just been non stop trouble and embarrassment for me.
He’s saying “I’m exhausting”, but does he not realise that this is exhausting for me also?
There is no accountability with him. I’ve known him for 17 years and not ever once has he admitted to being in the wrong or ever even apologised to me.
Can I also just point out that I’m 34 and my friend is 39. It’s just stupid behaviour. Instead of shouting at me that it’s “unforgiveable” that I asked my manager for advice on how to handle him, why not take responsibility for your actions and behaviour that lead to me having to do that?.
I sit wondering what I’ve done that’s so terrible to him for him to behave this way with me.
I’ve only ever tried my hardest to help my friend. Help him with his work, help him not make mistakes, help him not get in trouble, help him settle in to a new job and new environment, and I’ve had nothing but grief and upset from him.
SO, the problem I have now is…. What do I do? I’m tempted to move departments for the sake of my own mental health, but at the same time, I think, why should I? I’ve worked for this company and in this department for 4 years and I enjoy it.
Anyway, sorry for the long post/rant!
Hopefully someone has some advice?
Thanks x
I don’t post on here often, but just after some advice really from someone impartial.
This is probably going to be a really long post so I do apologise!
At the end of last year, I helped a friend of mine get a job within the company that I work for, and in the same department as me.
I really enjoy where I work. I like my job and I like my work colleagues. Everyone has a grumble about their job sometimes, but overall, I am mostly happy there.
I helped my friend with his interview, assessments and did all his training after he started . I was even on hand to answer his questions during my annual leave.
Within the first few weeks of starting, I found my friend to be quite disrespectful towards me. If I asked him to help me with something or “would you mind picking up such and such?” I would get snarky replies or just ignored but if another colleague would ask him, he would say “yes of course!!”.
On other occasions, If I had noticed a mistake he had made with something, I would try and help him and would just be ignored, whereas again, another colleague would tell him the same thing, and get an overly nice reply. My friend would constantly ask me questions as to why we do things a certain way and when I would answer, he would scoff and say “that’s ridiculous” and then moan and rant about the company, his job and the process in which we do things.
3 months in and I had become quite exhausted with it, almost to the point of regretting mentioning the job vacancy within my team. He is very selective over who hears his moaning and it is often chunnering under his breath. He bangs his mouse around in temper and sometimes gives the middle finger to the computer, if he has received an email he doesn’t like. I started to find it all a little bit uncomfortable.
After reflection, I decided to drop my manager an email and ask her if she had any advice? She called me in for an informal chat.
A few months passed and I thought things had settled down but sadly not. I asked my friend one day to help me sort through the post as I had quite a lot on, and he snapped back “yeah, in a minute!!” And then proceeded to read the dailymail for 40 minutes as he had no work of his own to do.
Later on in the day, my manager noticed that something was amiss and called us both into a meeting. My friend completely tried to throw me under the bus and told absolute lies about how he didn’t want to help me with the post as I had sat doing nothing all day. This was a blatant lie and my manager rightly told him that as we do separate jobs, with all due respect, he doesn’t know what I do and don’t do with my day, so basically not to pass comment.
I was furious, and after my friend left the meeting room, I burst into tears because I just didn’t understand what I had done that was so wrong, for my so called friend to be behaving in this way towards me.
I was then off on annual leave and I also had covid, so I was away from the office for a while.
After I returned, the dust had settled some what and my friend and I began talking a little and after a week or so, it had blown over.
However, the continuous moaning still continued on. The slamming of the desk, the two fingers to the computer, the huffing and puffing and chunnering under his breath. Moaning at being asked to do little things.
My work from home days changed and luckily, I then only had to work with him one day a week, but I started to find it a bit uncomfortable, once again.
Other colleagues have picked up on his mood, moaning and general negativity but again, he is selective of what people see and hear, so to be honest, they don’t really see or hear the half of what goes on.
He also slumps in his chair, to the point he is practically lay down! and got called into his own meeting a few weeks ago for falling asleep at his desk in the middle of the day!
However, last week, we yet again had trouble. IT had made some changes to the way that we work and obviously my friend was not happy with this. Within an hour of being together (during the only day we are both in the office at the same time), the moaning had become too much and I tried to make a joke (maybe in poor taste) and I said “do you know what I love about you? Your positivity!”
It was a joke, everyone laughed. My friend came back with a snarky, bitter reply of “says you!?”. It was no longer a light hearted joke, my mood changed and my friend said that with nastiness and bitterness in his voice.
I said “I don’t moan?” And he said “no…just about absolutely everything”.
What started as a joke, had now taken a turn. There was nastiness in his voice, bitterness almost, maybe some resentment.
My friend sulked with me with the rest of the day, almost turning her back towards me. I sit at the end of a row, and so felt quite isolated. I felt upset for the rest of the day.
I’ve had a rubbish couple of years. We had 3 deaths in the family and my mum went through treatment for breast cancer. I also have my own health issues and need surgery myself in the coming months.
It came across as if my friend resents me having a moan sometimes about the issues in my life or the rubbish things that have happened. My argument is that these are real life problems, whereas his moans and grumbles are about a computer and teaspoons in a sink. Very trivial things.
He’s very lucky in that he has never really had any issues with his health and his parents, to say they are in their 70’s, are perfectly fit and healthy. He’s never experienced any trauma. He lives a very charmed life.
That night after I got home from work, I thought to myself, I can’t have an atmosphere within my department that happened last time over “postgate”, so I sent him a message to try and smooth things over.
It became clear that there are some underlying issues and built up resentment, as my friend replied and blamed me for everything.
He said that me mentioning about his moaning had come out of the blue.
I said that it had gone on for a long long time, and that a few months into him starting, it got that bad that I had to broach my manager for advice over how to handle it.
Well, he did not take kindly to this!
He says I’m disgusting for doing that and it’s unforgivable. He said “I would never have done that to you!!” . He then finished the message with “you exhaust me. I don’t want to know you anymore”
I was then blocked.
He has removed himself from any WhatsApp groups we were in (not the work ones though, he wouldn’t want anyone else to see him over reacting!).
I was also unfriended and blocked on fb.
I went in work the next day and called a meeting with my manager to let her know what had happened, and that my friend will likely no longer want to work with me as he “does not want to know me anymore”.
What I didn’t get chance to explain to my friend was, I emailed my manager that day for advice, as his attitude and behaviour was getting me down and I didn’t know what else to do or how to handle it. I thought it was the best solution and kindest thing to do. My friend is not approachable, otherwise, I would have just spoken to him myself.
I’ve never been in that meeting room as many times as I have since my friend started. I brought him into my workplace It’s just been non stop trouble and embarrassment for me.
He’s saying “I’m exhausting”, but does he not realise that this is exhausting for me also?
There is no accountability with him. I’ve known him for 17 years and not ever once has he admitted to being in the wrong or ever even apologised to me.
Can I also just point out that I’m 34 and my friend is 39. It’s just stupid behaviour. Instead of shouting at me that it’s “unforgiveable” that I asked my manager for advice on how to handle him, why not take responsibility for your actions and behaviour that lead to me having to do that?.
I sit wondering what I’ve done that’s so terrible to him for him to behave this way with me.
I’ve only ever tried my hardest to help my friend. Help him with his work, help him not make mistakes, help him not get in trouble, help him settle in to a new job and new environment, and I’ve had nothing but grief and upset from him.
SO, the problem I have now is…. What do I do? I’m tempted to move departments for the sake of my own mental health, but at the same time, I think, why should I? I’ve worked for this company and in this department for 4 years and I enjoy it.
Anyway, sorry for the long post/rant!
Hopefully someone has some advice?
Thanks x
This kind of behaviour would take me aback on my 30s. Now that I am much older, I've learned when to give these kind of people of their own medicine. If this happens to me nowadays, I would tell the person/s that they look like a mess. 
Their attitude reflects it. 
::Sgc7Hl4::
creaking floors, you make me laugh,