Struggling with my anxiety over my relationship...

sophie6
New Member

Posts: 2

Struggling with my anxiety over my relationship... Mar 14, 2022 17:35:55 GMT -5 a_muppet likes this

Quote

Post by sophie6 on Mar 14, 2022 17:35:55 GMT -5

Hello,

I'm not really sure how to begin..

I met my partner over a dating app, during the UK lockdown... we got to know each other through communicating and going on walks etc because that's all you could do, and then over time (I was a little hesitant after coming out of a relationship) we formed a relationship..

8 months down the line, Christmas was good, January was good, but February... I noticed a message pop up on his phone (he had his notifications on loud) and noticed a girl pop up... now instead of asking him outright "Who is X" I've let my mind wonder and spiral into negative thoughts to the point I convinced myself something was happening between the two, even though she lives in Abu Dhabi and regardless of the reassurance he/his friends were giving me. It's his younger sisters friend who has severe mental health issues and confides in my partner because a) he's been brought up by women and is compassionate and b) both his parents have passed away and has struggled with mental health himself so he always seeks to support people where he can...

My head has been struggling with this internal battle for nearly a month and a half where a) I feel uncomfortable because I don't know the girl and b) I should be able to trust my partner, and this weekend I got clarity from his sister that nothing is going on and it wouldn't because he's with me and loves me...

Whilst I am slowly coming to accept that idea, my anxiety has been playing up that he has lost interest in me, doesn't want to be with me etc and I've lost my self confidence and self worth because I want things to be better between us.

Our relationship is still a little frosty.. and sometimes I feel like I'm treading on eggshells because I've just let things go so far in my head, but I need to be focusing on myself and what I want and what is good for me... I just feel like I'm bending over backwards and putting in the effort with someone who doesn't give the same back...

I hope people can see where I am coming from, and just a bit of advice or support would really be appreciated as I'm just stuck in a rut...

a_muppet
Global Moderator

Posts: 35,015

Struggling with my anxiety over my relationship... Mar 14, 2022 18:06:03 GMT -5 heatherly, kjay, and 1 more like this

Quote

Post by a_muppet on Mar 14, 2022 18:06:03 GMT -5

Mar 14, 2022 17:35:55 GMT -5 sophie6 said:

Hello,

I'm not really sure how to begin..

I met my partner over a dating app, during the UK lockdown... we got to know each other through communicating and going on walks etc because that's all you could do, and then over time (I was a little hesitant after coming out of a relationship) we formed a relationship..

8 months down the line, Christmas was good, January was good, but February... I noticed a message pop up on his phone (he had his notifications on loud) and noticed a girl pop up... now instead of asking him outright "Who is X" I've let my mind wonder and spiral into negative thoughts to the point I convinced myself something was happening between the two, even though she lives in Abu Dhabi and regardless of the reassurance he/his friends were giving me. It's his younger sisters friend who has severe mental health issues and confides in my partner because a) he's been brought up by women and is compassionate and b) both his parents have passed away and has struggled with mental health himself so he always seeks to support people where he can...

My head has been struggling with this internal battle for nearly a month and a half where a) I feel uncomfortable because I don't know the girl and b) I should be able to trust my partner, and this weekend I got clarity from his sister that nothing is going on and it wouldn't because he's with me and loves me...

Whilst I am slowly coming to accept that idea, my anxiety has been playing up that he has lost interest in me, doesn't want to be with me etc and I've lost my self confidence and self worth because I want things to be better between us.

Our relationship is still a little frosty.. and sometimes I feel like I'm treading on eggshells because I've just let things go so far in my head, but I need to be focusing on myself and what I want and what is good for me... I just feel like I'm bending over backwards and putting in the effort with someone who doesn't give the same back...

I hope people can see where I am coming from, and just a bit of advice or support would really be appreciated as I'm just stuck in a rut...

Hi Sophie and welcome to the forum.

I had just about got your problem, when you added at the end "putting in the effort with someone who doesn't give the same back..."

Why do you feel he is not making the same effort?

I am very much one for honesty in a relationship, and plain speaking. I think you should tell him exactly how you feel as regards your insecurities and that you would like his his understanding and support to help you get over this.

I guess you have good past reasons to be suspicious, but it is possible for you to be more settled with this relationship, but it is something you are both going to have to work on.

Firstly of course, you do have to ask the question, is he looking for the same thing in this relationship as you are?

Good luck, I hope it works out.

Caution, I am feral.

heatherly
Administrator

Maintain low tones!

Posts: 16,394

Struggling with my anxiety over my relationship... Mar 14, 2022 18:40:26 GMT -5 kjay and TestDummyCO like this

Quote

Post by heatherly on Mar 14, 2022 18:40:26 GMT -5

Mar 14, 2022 17:35:55 GMT -5 sophie6 said:

Our relationship is still a little frosty.. and sometimes I feel like I'm treading on eggshells because I've just let things go so far in my head, but I need to be focusing on myself and what I want and what is good for me... I just feel like I'm bending over backwards and putting in the effort with someone who doesn't give the same back...

This portion does concern me. Is part of you unhappy or even doesn't want to be with him? Frosty makes it sound like he's not very open or close with you... or that maybe you can't 100% be yourself, but I don't know the entire story.

The anxiety of him being a cheater could either be your way of trying to find more issues to make it easier to leave or it could be because he is not giving you enough attention. Or both. Figure out what it is you want and have a talk with him... your needs should be met as well; you shouldn't have to do all the bending. Communication is key.

sophie6
New Member

Posts: 2

Struggling with my anxiety over my relationship... Mar 15, 2022 6:57:29 GMT -5 via mobile heatherly and a_muppet like this

Quote

Post by sophie6 on Mar 15, 2022 6:57:29 GMT -5

He’s a very laid back person, and he says he does communicate with me and is honest with me but I don’t know whether I’m doubting it because of the way I’ve been feeling or that I just really need to let go of things I cannot control…

Ever since this argument the dynamic has changed slightly and it’s just been a little awkward… as expected but maybe I do need to think about if I actually want to be with him? I really do love him and want this to work but I’ve just been stuck in this overthinking and over doubting stage which I’m fed up of being in and I know it can take time…

Popcorn&Candy
Rare Member

Posts: 11,364

Struggling with my anxiety over my relationship... Mar 15, 2022 8:18:28 GMT -5

Quote

Post by Popcorn&Candy on Mar 15, 2022 8:18:28 GMT -5

If you're unhappy, you're in the wrong relationship. If you are:

1. Feeling suspicious of his activities
2. You're walking on eggshells
3. He is frosty with you
4. You don't trust him
5. He causes more hassle than comfort and caring
6. You feel abandoned by him
7. He's lost interest in you
8. He doesn't give back

These are a LOT of negative points. But they are all true. Is this really a relationship you want to continue with? Think about the 8 points I've highlighted. Is he really worth the hassle and stress? Are you really soulmates? If he's unwilling to change, you're going to end up in misery if you stay with him. Your relationship has more negative points than positive ones.

I think you'd be better off alone.

Reigning Supreme Queen Of Laundry

cassie Elite Member III Posts: 7,584	Struggling with my anxiety over my relationship... Mar 15, 2022 8:54:57 GMT -5 via mobile a_muppet likes this Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by cassie on Mar 15, 2022 8:54:57 GMT -5 The relationship should make your heart sing, if it doesn't it's not right ... short .sweet .end of.

heatherly
Administrator

Maintain low tones!

Posts: 16,394

Struggling with my anxiety over my relationship... Mar 15, 2022 8:59:02 GMT -5 a_muppet and Popcorn&Candy like this

Quote

Post by heatherly on Mar 15, 2022 8:59:02 GMT -5

Mar 15, 2022 6:57:29 GMT -5 sophie6 said:

He’s a very laid back person, and he says he does communicate with me and is honest with me but I don’t know whether I’m doubting it because of the way I’ve been feeling or that I just really need to let go of things I cannot control…

Ever since this argument the dynamic has changed slightly and it’s just been a little awkward… as expected but maybe I do need to think about if I actually want to be with him? I really do love him and want this to work but I’ve just been stuck in this overthinking and over doubting stage which I’m fed up of being in and I know it can take time…

You are right; you do need to let go of what you can't control.... If he one day does cheat, then you leave him, but don't sit around waiting for him to do something wrong if he's not. If you do want to be with him, then try to be happy and enjoy the relationship for what it actually is instead of thinking about what negative things it could be. You don't want to spoil a good thing if it's actually good. But you also do need to look within and figure out where the doubt is coming from.. is it coming from his behaviors or is it just from you? Has he ever done anything at all to make you not trust him? If not, then focus on that.

If there is a part of you that feels this relationship isn't right for you, though... then don't ignore it either. Get to the bottom of it and then you can have an open discussion about what may need to be worked on in the relationship from both of you. Some things can be improved, other things are just differences that will always be there. Only you know what you really want and whether he is meeting those needs for the most part... and if you can live with the things you don't like. That's what dating is all about really, getting to really know the person and determining if they are a good match for you. It takes a few years before you really know someone.

Popcorn&Candy
Rare Member

Posts: 11,364

Struggling with my anxiety over my relationship... Mar 16, 2022 8:35:03 GMT -5

Quote

Post by Popcorn&Candy on Mar 16, 2022 8:35:03 GMT -5

Mar 15, 2022 8:59:02 GMT -5 heatherly said:

Get to the bottom of it and then you can have an open discussion about what may need to be worked on in the relationship from both of you.

I agree that an open discussion is a wise and clever idea. If he is deeply into you, he should be open to talking about your relationship, where things have gone wrong and what to do about them. BUT if he isn't willing to talk with you - or just dismisses the idea - that would throw up a red flag for me.

I do also agree that if you're paranoid about him cheating [although I am NOT saying you are] then your paranoia is the problem rather than your partner. HOWEVER - if you're not usually a paranoid person - then there must be red flags. Do you smell perfume on him? Does he always come home late? Does he often seem secretive?

These are questions you need to ask yourself.

Reigning Supreme Queen Of Laundry

Popcorn&Candy
Rare Member

Posts: 11,364

Struggling with my anxiety over my relationship... Mar 17, 2022 9:21:56 GMT -5

Quote

Post by Popcorn&Candy on Mar 17, 2022 9:21:56 GMT -5

Also: your happiness should be top priority. If you're unhappy with being with him, is he really the right person for you? Do you really want to live your life in misery? Take into account, you can't change him. Hoping he'll change is wishful thinking, too. He is as he is and if you are unhappy you are in the wrong relationship.

DON'T stay with him out of fear of being alone: you deserve the best in life and if you're unhappy, you need to move on.

Reigning Supreme Queen Of Laundry