Would You Tolerate An Abusive Relationship?

I wouldn't stay with someone who was harming me.... If I feared for my life, then I'd be careful about how/when I left, though just to be safer about it. You hear about women being murdered when their partner catches them trying to leave or is aware of their intent to leave... so I'd act normal and leave when they are not around.

It can sneak up on you, and not look like what you'd expect. I had been married for 14 years before I realised that what was wrong in my relationship was called emotional abuse. I researched a bunch and when I realised what it was doing my oldest boy, I made plans to leave. I found out about a transition house, used his workdays to pack and move items to my parents' place, and tried to act like nothing was out of the ordinary. I didn't know exactly what kind of reaction there would be if I tried to be upfront about my plans, but it wouldn't be good, and there were guns and knives in the house. (I think now that hunting wasn't so much his thing as something that allowed him to project power and strength. Plus he may have been raised to think hunting made you more of a man.)

Things were a bit crazy for a while, including lots of attention-seeking behaviour and me calling the cops once about his suicidal talk. It doesn't feel like a soap opera so much now, but it's not easy making parenting arrangements with someone who abused you. I don't wish for my boys not to have a father at all, and yet life would be less complicated in many ways if he just decided to move away and forget seeing them...

The fact you were super aware of guns and knives in the house shows how dangerous your ex-husband is, Rebecca. Plus, abusers are very manipulative and clever: they play on your weaknesses. They won't be violent straight away, but it'll slowly creep up on you. And you end up blmaing yourself and walking on eggshells, trying to please the abuser. They are sly that way. In fact, abusers are very nasty and evil people. They could be narcissists, psychopaths or sociopaths. They are incredibly selfish and don't care about others feelings. They also are very patient about their crimes and will bide their time to hurt you.

You can't change a narcissist/psychopath/sociopath. In fact, you can learn more about them here:







I'd advise you take the time to watch these videos: they are very informative and will shed light on abusive relationships.

Unless you have first hand knowledge, making categorical statements actually attack the victims, and make them feel worse than before you tried to help.

Think of it as trying to explain blue to a blind woman.

This is often quoted but it is one statement that always worries me. Referring partly back to my last comment above - Although most cases of abuse are probably obvious it can also be very vague as to who is the abuser. Often, possibly mostly, both / all parties abuse each other, in different ways. I think the drunken husband returning from the pub is a bit of a stereotype.

People with poor communication / social skills may find themselves in a perceived inferior position. If they resent it they will try to assert as best they can - perhaps with violence. If it works once they may well use the tactic again. Maybe really it is the similarly poor social skills of the better orator not to realise they are pushing their partner into a corner. There may be two kinds of abuse here - spoken and violence. It is so difficult to quantify. Hence I worry about the term 'NEVER'.

There's so much hope invested in a relationship once attachment has been firmly established. Sticking around might happen because the victim believes that things will improve. Usually that means the victim alone takes the burden of changing, thinking that improving self will automatically fix the relationship. It took me years of carrying that burden to realise I had improved myself a lot and he didn't care to make a similar move. Even then I didn't know it was abuse.

I went through a lot of personal growth after leaving him, and I know that my reactions often fed into the dysfunctional pattern we had, but I've been careful not to label that as my being at fault for the abuse. I didn't bring it on myself; instead, I was deceived as to the person I attached myself to - and especially deceived as to the expectations we both had of marriage. It should be a partnership, not a power struggle.

It's really a complicated issue, but here's an important place to start: Realise it's about power for the abuser (so there doesn't even need to be an anger issue at all). Also, abusers are usually really good at deceit, and at isolating the victim so that there's no one to turn to and/or no one who will believe the victim.

That reminds me of the playground standard. The little girl is in tears, as the little boy has hit her. He is getting told off by the teacher, but the girl had already cut him in half with her tongue, as girls develop language skills earlier than boys.

It is not always that plain to see. A skilled bully will draw you in slowly.

I was bullied by my last director, and it took me ages to see it. Even now with hindsight, I have no idea when it actually started, I just know that one day, very late on, I decided that she was bullying me.

I have been bullied in the past as a kid, and very early in my career, so I know how to deal with it, and I don't take it, I deal with it. But this time she was too insidious, and I was in the box before I knew. 

Edit: IMO You can usually spot a bully, simply by looking at the type of relationship you have. If you are always defending yourself, and your actions, you are being bullied.

To sort a bully, there are only two choices, walk away, or attack.

Situations like this, I agree with you Cherry, the key thing is if we know we are being bullied, walk away or attack, do not hope things will change. We have to take control of our life,

I actually look back on being bullied by my director with some fascination. I just cannot believe that I couldn't see it.

I also knew her husband, he was an odd job man at the main hospital site. He never looked relaxed, and he had this hunted look about him. I assumed he had some mental health problems, but I now know he lived with someone with mental health problems.

Poor bloke.

Men just don't want to come out because they don't want people to think less of their masculinity.

Cherry, now that you mentioned your story, I think I can relate to you. My first job in SF had a supervisor like that. I did not realize she tried to put me down, I thought she was just trying to help me learn and have some humility along the way since I was also outspoken. After about 6 months, I kind of figure it out because one of the staff gave me some hints. The following week when she told me that I should follow her instructions so that I did not have to do it again, I asked her why she thought I had to do it again, she told me because I did not do it her way. I took the pile of documents and told her we should get the opinion of the manager the works were for then I walked right to his office. She was so mad at me when the manager sided with me. She sarcastically called me " the Ivy girl" from that day on. When we had a meeting that week, she took out a cigarette and started blowing smoke toward my direction ( SF still allowed smoking indoor at that time), I told her I could not tolerate smoke and she needed to stop, she did not so I walked out and went right to HR. They gave her a warning, she did it again, I went to HR again and she was fired on the spot. The woman was just nasty. I was supposed to be under her supervision for 8 months but she just could not stick it out for 8 months. It was a good thing she was gone, I did not want to see she did the same thing to another one.

It's interseting that there are two somewhat distinct situations being shown here - work and home. I have found that work situations can be pretty much 'dog eat dog' with the emphasis on productivity and the climb up the ladder.

The different personality types behave in pretty much the same way but the boundaries can, at least seem, different. I will step back a little and compare and contrast.