We’ve been married 20 years. After discovering some texts on his phone a few months ago, I learned he has been going to various dommes for years and massage parlors (yes, those kind). And live webcam porn. He’s been using our money for this and it’s been going on for at least five years that I know about. He’s begging forgiveness now that he’s been caught but I think he’ll do this again. I’m planning to divorce him but I’m torn because we have two children. My world is shattered. Any advice is much appreciated.
How sad that you have to discover this in such a fashion. Sad that your husband could not share this part of his life with you.
It's easy to say this is just sex or in the case of a dominatrix it is simply about being able to surrender but that doesn't matter it doesn't matter what it is... because it is a breach of your trust a breach of your marriage vows.
Children can be harmed more in a marriage with parents stay together and argue then when there is a clean break in a civilised manner. Be grown up about it and do not use your children as pawns do not bad mouth their father in front of them , divorce him but do not involve the children.
You need to think this through. If you get divorced and if he got shared custody, how can you be sure that the kids won't be exposed to that? You need to consult a lawyer if you really want a divorce but if you want to keep your family together, why don't you suggest therapy to him?
I would consult a divorce lawyer since there's kids involved. If you can get custody of the kids then I would say go after daddy's nut sack with a vengeance in court.
Keep in mind this is purely sex. He has a submissive kink, and bisexual leanings. This does not reflect on you, or possibly his feelings towards you, you have done nothing wrong, and are not to blame for any of this.
It is possible for him to stop, but it is fairly unlikely, and certainly trust will now be irrepairable.
The choice is either divorce, or accept that he is so inclined, and you can live with it to a degree agreed between yourselves.
So give yourself some space to reflect on what you are going to do. But of you decide to keep him, he needs testing for std's.
I hope you get through this ok, and remember that 'we' are here for you if you want to rant, or just chat.
An unhappy home is always worse than a divorced home. You want your children to know not to stay in a relationship just because they feel obligated or because they invested a lot of time into it if they will be unhappy for the rest of their lives. If you can't forgive him or move past this, then there is not much you can do. If you do want to work on it, then seek some professional help. Perhaps you can get therapy for all of you to help you adapt and process everything (for the kids if you get a divorce, or just you and your husband for now if unsure), as I know this is a shocking turn of events for everyone.
Hi, I'm brand new to this forum. First off all I hope you have found resolution in your situation with your husband. I was going through the discussion topics and yours stood out to me, I am in a unique situation and may be able to provide some insite on this...I have been very involved in the BDSM scene for the last 4 years or so and my role is that of a Mistress/Dom. I currently live with my submissive boyfriend 24/7. We are completely invested into our relationship and both live our roles to the fullest. He is completely happy to be fully objectified by me and knows that his place in life is to serve me. I am the "bread winner" in the home, I work full time while he stays at home and completes whatever task I tell him to do until I get in from work. I keep him in a chastity device with clamp squeezing his testicles until I get home, and releasing his testicles from the vice only if everything is done to my satisfaction. If he fails a task he is punished severely,usually by his balls lool. I know I am very lucky to have found a beta male willing to subject himself 24/7 to all my wants and wishes. I guess my point is that you would be surprised at how many men are into this...maybe if you and your husband had a discussion about his fetishes, you could come to some sort of arrangement in which both of you fulfill your deepest desires with each other...I know my relationship would be considered extreme for most people but it's what works for us. Also not to mention how inflicting pain to certain parts a man's body makes me feel as a woman. I would love to hear your opinion on this. Give it a try, maybe you will find out something about yourself you never knew...
bossemy, welcome to the forum. As you say this works for you and I know a few people for whom this is a perfectly enjoyable way of life. Its surprising how many men are submissive.
But for the OP it was the deceit and the betrayal as much as the cheating that was upsetting. I hope the OP found a way through what happened but I dont think it was as easy as trying to 'crack the whip' herself.
bossemy , welcome to the forum. As you say this works for you and I know a few people for whom this is a perfectly enjoyable way of life. Its surprising how many men are submissive.
But for the OP it was the deceit and the betrayal as much as the cheating that was upsetting. I hope the OP found a way through what happened but I dont think it was as easy as trying to 'crack the whip' herself.
Yes consent is the basis for our whole relationship. That being said, it's amazing what you can get a man to do once he has been trained and has the "proper motivation"...🙂