How do you view your life?

My life has not been easy. I've had many struggles and setbacks, but I always adapted as needed... On the one hand, I would not be where I am today without those experiences, and it has worked out okay for me. Sometimes I do wonder where I would be or what I'd be doing if life did go easier on me.... maybe I would have been "more" and been able to strive for higher goals than I was able to. However, I'm content where I am, so I don't dwell on it either way.

Thanks for asking such an interesting question Annie.

I honestly feel like my life has been one big shit show since I left the womb. Between the Tourette's and all life had to offer for being the freak in the room no matter where I was it's been a losing battle all along. I can't keep friends...men...pets or plants. I'm an anxiety riddled mess 24/7. I have off and on bouts of depression that take me to some pretty dark places. I've had to fight my way through life to get where I am today. I made poor choices early on due to not having enough financial ability or the mental capacity to do the right thing at the time. I've never been able to live my life as I saw fit or be myself without constant criticism and verbal abuse. I've always had to be what others want me to be and do what others want me to do.

I've spent my life being a temperamental, outspoken, pain in the ass. I follow rules nobody else does. I'm so methodical I get told I'm anal too much. I get treated like I'm stupid because people don't understand that Tourette's doesn't make me stupid it makes me twitch.

I've been alone my whole life even when I had people in my life. I've had to go through everything...alone. I was always there to comfort and take care of everyone else but when I needed comfort and care...there I sat. Alone with my tears.

Despite all of that....I've always somehow managed to laugh and enjoy the life that's been dealt to me. I've never had to be without a home or without food. I've never been without work. I know that my life could've been so much worse if you added those things to the mix. I think the only reason I have survived and been ok has been because of my faith. Without God I would've been lost years ago.

I have never known what it's like to be "normal." I've always wished I could be. I get tired of being a mess all the time. A thorn in everyone's side. Something people are forced to tolerate. I've always longed to be loved. That's all. The one thing I've wanted more than anything my whole life is the one thing I've never been able to receive in full from anyone but God.

**I left out the part where I didn't get to be a mom either. My one shot at motherhood ended in the heartbreak of a miscarriage. 

I often feel out of place in this life like I don't belong here and often I don't understand why I am. I just do the best I can to get through each day and I'm waiting for it to all be over.

The harder I try, the luckier I get.

You have to go for it. Life is there to be taken, no-one will give you it.

You can learn as much from bad teachers as you can from good.

lol!

For a pessimist I have learnt how to become pragmatic and more an optimist. I started out reacting at what I didn't have or get. I was a bit of a spoilt brat maybe; although we were never rich we got by. I was just a rebel and still am. Over the years though I have learnt that everyone has problems and some, very many. It's given me a more balanced view of the world.

I don't know you Marci, as I have only just got here, but admire your fortitude. I am sure that here you are getting good friends.

I don't think anyone thinks his or her life is easy. I think others, when looking at someone's life without being in their shoes say things like "oh, his life is easy, he's so privileged", but not understand that they also have problems. They only see the money, but not worries that come with it, a big, pretty house, but not what's going on behind the walls, a successful person, but not their deepest fears and personal struggles.

I don't want to say my life was difficult, I've always had a roof over my head and food and bills taken care of. I'm still young and relatively inexperienced, especially for my age. My parents treated me well enough, though they argued and shouted all the time, which was a bit tiring to listen to. I was a bit of a rebel as a teenager, but it was never that bad. I did well enough in school and never complained about it, despite the fact that my classmates were assholes and I have no desire to meet up with them at future reunions. My love life was non-existent until I was in my early twenties. My mom was definitely over-protective of me, they were both too lenient on me, which is why I suck at being an adult and have more work to do now than people that were thrown into the real world at the age of 18 and had to learn how to swim before they drowned.

Entering the job market was definitely the biggest disappointment, I'm not the most hard-working person that ever existed, but I still did well in school and college/uni, I always finished what I started and I didn't do the bare minimum. I guess I expected that having good grades and getting a diploma would be worth something, but learnt the hard way that connections you have are all that matters. I was hoping I would be able to get a job all by myself and based on what I've accomplished in my life, but nope. Nobody cares about that. It's the most frustrating thing ever, knowing what I'm capable of, knowing that I could learn and eventually do whatever is expected of me and knowing that I am serious when it comes to work and would not slack off and at the same time being THE ONLY person that knows this, while others dismiss me the same way as others that haven't even tried doing their homework in school.

I remember being at some career fair one time not too long after I graduated and saw some people running a photocopy store and I asked them about it and if I could send them my CV and the dude responded that photocopying is actually not as easy as it looks and that people are required to have some previous experience with it and I remember thinking "are you F... joking me". I also sent my CV to a grocery store, got two interviews and wasn't picked because I had not worked in a grocery store before and 2. I'm tiny and they were worried I wouldn't be able to lift heavy things. The only job I got was in a factory, working at a production line for two months, and I met a woman there that had a master's degree and had worked at an assembly line for a few years. Yeah, you have to start at the bottom, before you get promoted and start moving upwards, but here's the thing, there's no guarantee you'll get promoted. You can only keep working and hoping for the best, but whether you get promoted or retire as an assembly line worker, you never know. By the way, some chinese company has bought this company shortly after I left and they started firing people working in offices and directors etc. because there were too many leeches there that kept draining the money from the pocket we have worked our asses off to fill. So I guess I made the right decision when I left, because I probably wouldn't get a job at an office any time soon (office work here is very different compared to that in the USA, it's more a symbol of status, higher paycheck and respect, none of which regular workers have). There is no way I would last more than a few months at the assembly line either, before seriously debating getting myself off this planet. I did learn something EXTREMELY important there though. And that is, that being able to go to the bathroom in peace and take your time to eat your lunch while at work is a privilege. Before it was self-explanatory that I would go to a bathroom whenever I felt like it and not having to hurry but once I got there I realized that's a privilege not everyone has, lol. Also, realizing what it actually means to earn money. I love reading stories about graduates in the USA complaining about working in an office, like shut up you're being paid to browse reddit.

My life has more ups and downs than an episode of Jeremy Kyle. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some weeks I have more money than normal, others I don't. I can go from happy to sad in days. I am like a yo-yo. The plus side to this is I know how to be happy. But I am no Pollyanna. I don't wander around thinking life is like a bunch of roses.

With regard to money: I have a roof over my head/I have food/I pay all my bills/I get to enjoy a bit of luxury. I am by no means rich, but I am not poor either.

Friends I manage to keep. I don't like the word "manage" but there are some who don't stay friends in life. I've friends from all walks of life: a rather rich & famous woman I cannot name. I have friends who have disabilities. I have friends who work regularly. I know a great deal of people. I don't like to be negative with them or anyone else. I do - sometimes - feel a little down, but those times don't last too long.

I have a good life. I've also got my creative writing. I have my office job. I wouldn't say I'm unhappy. I'm more happy than unhappy BUT I do have other goals and aspire to be more than I am today.