Post by gbgirl on Mar 13, 2015 17:58:23 GMT -5
Thanks cherrystone for letting me know about this new site I'd really appreciate some advice from smart people who don't know my boyfriend! My friends are always telling me what I should do, but they know him, so I feel like they are biased.
I moved to a new city just over a year and a half ago when I started a new job. I met this guy at work and we started very casually seeing each other. At first I thought he was interested in more, he took me out for lunch and we had a really great afternoon, but then I didn't hear from him again for weeks. I realised that he was seeing somebody else from our office (not exclusively), so I tried to back off. He then got in a relationship with this other girl during which he and I didn't speak for about 4-5 months.
They broke up just before Christmas over a year ago now. He ended it - she was extremely controlling and jealous, so when he started to message me again I decided I was going to be absolutely the opposite. He made so little effort with me that it became a casual sex thing (we'd hook up maybe once a month, with no contact in between), and I decided that I was okay with that. I was very chilled out, and we had fun when together but I never pushed him for anything else.
Then about 8 months ago something changed with him - he asked me if I wanted to spend the weekend with him, and I did. Gradually it started to become more like a relationship - I'd come over and I would stay all weekend. I met his friends, I met his mum... But he was still seeing other people. He would never plan anything with me. I would wait until the last minute before finally cracking and asking if I could come over. If he was busy I would stay in on my own in tears. I started to become really unhappy, though I never showed him how I felt. I started checking his phone because I needed to know what or who he was doing, even if I never told him what I found. One conversation I read revealed that one Saturday night, his date had bailed half way through their evening together, and he'd called me up to come over instead. I cried for hours. Finally one day I asked him outright if he was seeing other people, and he told me he'd gone on a few dates, but he hadn't slept with anyone else. I have evidence to suggest that isn't true.. Bt perhaps it was at the time.
It would go in cycles, we'd be happy and have a great weekend, he gave me a drawer in his room.. but then it was like he would freak out, and I'd come over the next time and find he'd messaged loads of girls online. Every time I thought he was getting closer to committing to me, he would pull away again. On only one occasion, I cried in front of him and told him I couldn't handle his being with other people, and I wanted us to be together. He said he didn't want a girlfriend, but we should 'see how it went' for a few weeks. Then in the lead up to Christmas just gone, he got really distant, and I saw he as going on a lot more dates and, I think, started sleeping with someone else.
I went home for Christmas to see my mum, convinced it was over. Three weeks passed with no contact from him. Then out of the blue he wanted me to come back to our home city and spend time together, started telling girls he was seeing someone when they messaged him. He started making plans in advance with me, and invited me on holiday with him in a few months time. I asked him if we were exclusive, and he said yes.
But how should I feel? I have been waiting for over a year for this guy to finally show that he appreciates me, and yet I feel like the relationship is completely hollow. He is not an emotional person and he isn't good at dealing with them. Perhaps in his way he does care about me, but he has no idea about the hurt he has caused me, he never seems interested in my day or my problems, and I still don't feel I can trust him. I'm nervous when he goes out and I still check his phone, something I've never done with any guy before. Even though he's not the kind of guy to commit if he doesn't want to, I worry he really doesn't want a girlfriend and he will cheat on me.
I know that I should probably leave him, but the problem is I love him. Do you think that this could ever turn into a loving relationship, and that it might just take him a little longer to get there, or am I in denial?
Any help so much appreciated!! <3
I moved to a new city just over a year and a half ago when I started a new job. I met this guy at work and we started very casually seeing each other. At first I thought he was interested in more, he took me out for lunch and we had a really great afternoon, but then I didn't hear from him again for weeks. I realised that he was seeing somebody else from our office (not exclusively), so I tried to back off. He then got in a relationship with this other girl during which he and I didn't speak for about 4-5 months.
They broke up just before Christmas over a year ago now. He ended it - she was extremely controlling and jealous, so when he started to message me again I decided I was going to be absolutely the opposite. He made so little effort with me that it became a casual sex thing (we'd hook up maybe once a month, with no contact in between), and I decided that I was okay with that. I was very chilled out, and we had fun when together but I never pushed him for anything else.
Then about 8 months ago something changed with him - he asked me if I wanted to spend the weekend with him, and I did. Gradually it started to become more like a relationship - I'd come over and I would stay all weekend. I met his friends, I met his mum... But he was still seeing other people. He would never plan anything with me. I would wait until the last minute before finally cracking and asking if I could come over. If he was busy I would stay in on my own in tears. I started to become really unhappy, though I never showed him how I felt. I started checking his phone because I needed to know what or who he was doing, even if I never told him what I found. One conversation I read revealed that one Saturday night, his date had bailed half way through their evening together, and he'd called me up to come over instead. I cried for hours. Finally one day I asked him outright if he was seeing other people, and he told me he'd gone on a few dates, but he hadn't slept with anyone else. I have evidence to suggest that isn't true.. Bt perhaps it was at the time.
It would go in cycles, we'd be happy and have a great weekend, he gave me a drawer in his room.. but then it was like he would freak out, and I'd come over the next time and find he'd messaged loads of girls online. Every time I thought he was getting closer to committing to me, he would pull away again. On only one occasion, I cried in front of him and told him I couldn't handle his being with other people, and I wanted us to be together. He said he didn't want a girlfriend, but we should 'see how it went' for a few weeks. Then in the lead up to Christmas just gone, he got really distant, and I saw he as going on a lot more dates and, I think, started sleeping with someone else.
I went home for Christmas to see my mum, convinced it was over. Three weeks passed with no contact from him. Then out of the blue he wanted me to come back to our home city and spend time together, started telling girls he was seeing someone when they messaged him. He started making plans in advance with me, and invited me on holiday with him in a few months time. I asked him if we were exclusive, and he said yes.
But how should I feel? I have been waiting for over a year for this guy to finally show that he appreciates me, and yet I feel like the relationship is completely hollow. He is not an emotional person and he isn't good at dealing with them. Perhaps in his way he does care about me, but he has no idea about the hurt he has caused me, he never seems interested in my day or my problems, and I still don't feel I can trust him. I'm nervous when he goes out and I still check his phone, something I've never done with any guy before. Even though he's not the kind of guy to commit if he doesn't want to, I worry he really doesn't want a girlfriend and he will cheat on me.
I know that I should probably leave him, but the problem is I love him. Do you think that this could ever turn into a loving relationship, and that it might just take him a little longer to get there, or am I in denial?
Any help so much appreciated!! <3