Desolation and loneliness

betterme
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Posts: 1

Desolation and loneliness Jan 19, 2022 18:06:08 GMT -5 heatherly likes this

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Post by betterme on Jan 19, 2022 18:06:08 GMT -5

Hello, having moved to another state and experiencing a huge cultural shock, me and my boyfriend (who has 2 divorces and 4 children), are having a lot of arguments lately. We've been together for 9 years but living together for 4 and now moved from the state I lived in for 30 years to another one almost a year ago.
We are having fights because of his guilty feelings towards his kids from the divorces, mind you , they are adults now. He sees nothing wrong with them and hurts me just so his kids are not harmed. He says he appreciates my advice but when I offer it he says "thank you, I'll keep it in mind" (condescending much?) or attacks me. I have two older children and they are not around so they are never an issue.
A lot of resentments are forming and I am doubting the relationship. I try to talk to him but he ends up being cynical and sarcastic, yells, curses and then leaves bc he says he can't do anything right and I feel I don't have a voice. I end up withdrawing myself, not talking to him and crying a lot. I work from home and I am alone all day long. I have no friends or a way to make them since I am new to the state and have no clue where to go, Tried Meetup but there are no groups for people my age or nearby.
We bought a new house in this state and I am regretting doing it. I had a small home I bought after I got divorced, lived in it for about 8 years and sold it when we move so everything I have is invested in this new home that we just purchased and now I feel I can't get out of.
Any advice?

a_muppet
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Posts: 28,459

Desolation and loneliness Jan 19, 2022 18:26:57 GMT -5

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Post by a_muppet on Jan 19, 2022 18:26:57 GMT -5

Jan 19, 2022 18:06:08 GMT -5 betterme said:

Hello, having moved to another state and experiencing a huge cultural shock, me and my boyfriend (who has 2 divorces and 4 children), are having a lot of arguments lately. We've been together for 9 years but living together for 4 and now moved from the state I lived in for 30 years to another one almost a year ago.
We are having fights because of his guilty feelings towards his kids from the divorces, mind you , they are adults now. He sees nothing wrong with them and hurts me just so his kids are not harmed. He says he appreciates my advice but when I offer it he says "thank you, I'll keep it in mind" (condescending much?) or attacks me. I have two older children and they are not around so they are never an issue.
A lot of resentments are forming and I am doubting the relationship. I try to talk to him but he ends up being cynical and sarcastic, yells, curses and then leaves bc he says he can't do anything right and I feel I don't have a voice. I end up withdrawing myself, not talking to him and crying a lot. I work from home and I am alone all day long. I have no friends or a way to make them since I am new to the state and have no clue where to go, Tried Meetup but there are no groups for people my age or nearby.
We bought a new house in this state and I am regretting doing it. I had a small home I bought after I got divorced, lived in it for about 8 years and sold it when we move so everything I have is invested in this new home that we just purchased and now I feel I can't get out of.
Any advice?

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. You do paint an unpleasant picture. I hope your name is on the property deeds as it could come down to a separation, and you will need to get your money returned.

As for togetherness... If you can't discuss where the relationship is going, it does not sound as if it will last.

Does he want it to last? Do you feel he is committed and this is just temporary blip? Was it all good before you moved?

Anyway, have a hug. You are with friends here, at least.

Caution, I am feral.

heatherly
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Posts: 15,305

Desolation and loneliness Jan 19, 2022 19:48:02 GMT -5

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Post by heatherly on Jan 19, 2022 19:48:02 GMT -5

Sorry to hear of your troubles. I moved away from everyone to another state to be with my SO, so I know how lonely it can be at times, especially if you're not on the best of terms with the only person you have nearby! It makes it feel extra lonely for sure.

Hopefully this is just a bump in the road that you two can get over together. The best thing to do is continue to communicate the best you can. Try not to communicate if either of you are in a bad mood or already angry because that might make it harder for either of you to hear the other's side.. so if that's ever the case, then off before discussing issues another day in a calm manner. You both need to share your feelings and work toward a common goal of understanding one another and trying to work through the issues. He says he feels he can't do anything right, so how can that be addressed? And you feel you don't have a voice, so how can that be addressed?

Relationships take effort, and things don't always run smoothly. Both need to make changes at times, it should never be one-sided or only one person trying to keep the peace. If you feel you've tried everything and there really is no hope for any resolution of the problems... then that's when you start considering moving on. No point in staying somewhere if you're completely miserable.. and same for him really. Start saving up money for the time-being so you are prepared to find another home for yourself if needed.

Mary
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Posts: 3,066

Desolation and loneliness Jan 20, 2022 0:10:10 GMT -5

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Post by Mary on Jan 20, 2022 0:10:10 GMT -5

Jan 19, 2022 18:06:08 GMT -5 betterme said:

Hello, having moved to another state and experiencing a huge cultural shock, me and my boyfriend (who has 2 divorces and 4 children), are having a lot of arguments lately. We've been together for 9 years but living together for 4 and now moved from the state I lived in for 30 years to another one almost a year ago.
We are having fights because of his guilty feelings towards his kids from the divorces, mind you , they are adults now. He sees nothing wrong with them and hurts me just so his kids are not harmed. He says he appreciates my advice but when I offer it he says "thank you, I'll keep it in mind" (condescending much?) or attacks me. I have two older children and they are not around so they are never an issue.
A lot of resentments are forming and I am doubting the relationship. I try to talk to him but he ends up being cynical and sarcastic, yells, curses and then leaves bc he says he can't do anything right and I feel I don't have a voice. I end up withdrawing myself, not talking to him and crying a lot. I work from home and I am alone all day long. I have no friends or a way to make them since I am new to the state and have no clue where to go, Tried Meetup but there are no groups for people my age or nearby.
We bought a new house in this state and I am regretting doing it. I had a small home I bought after I got divorced, lived in it for about 8 years and sold it when we move so everything I have is invested in this new home that we just purchased and now I feel I can't get out of.
Any advice?

Let's try this...if this were a friend of yours telling you these things about her relationship...what advice would you give her? Answer that and then decide what you're gonna do. You're in quite the pickle with the house and all. If you're able to support yourself I'd start working on a plan for that should you decide to leave. As for the rest I can't offer up much because I had two failed marriages. My rule of thumb is that if they're not willing to talk about stuff then they're not willing to work anything out. *hugs*

cassie
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Posts: 6,003

Desolation and loneliness Jan 20, 2022 2:08:51 GMT -5 via mobile jen likes this

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Post by cassie on Jan 20, 2022 2:08:51 GMT -5

I moved to a different country with my husband and children. It was stressful you leave everything that is familiar behind you have to build up everything all over again and these stresses do play havoc with your relationships.
But it is essential to keep the lines of communication open if you don't speak and you don't listen then you won't be heard and you won't be understood.

Don't say things in anger that you may regret later try to see both points of view try to have any conversations in a calm setting. Acknowledge things that you can do to change the situation so that he doesn't feel that it is all his fault.
But keep those lines of communication open.

And if talking to us here helps then you are welcome rant, scream, shout, celebrate we don't mind ..we are here regardless. And many of us have been through the same and worse so you will not be judged.

Last Edit: Jan 20, 2022 2:10:03 GMT -5 by cassie

alsr
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Posts: 6,891

Desolation and loneliness Jan 20, 2022 3:04:13 GMT -5 jen likes this

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Post by alsr on Jan 20, 2022 3:04:13 GMT -5

Jan 19, 2022 18:06:08 GMT -5 betterme said:

Hello, having moved to another state and experiencing a huge cultural shock, me and my boyfriend (who has 2 divorces and 4 children), are having a lot of arguments lately. We've been together for 9 years but living together for 4 and now moved from the state I lived in for 30 years to another one almost a year ago.
We are having fights because of his guilty feelings towards his kids from the divorces, mind you , they are adults now. He sees nothing wrong with them and hurts me just so his kids are not harmed. He says he appreciates my advice but when I offer it he says "thank you, I'll keep it in mind" (condescending much?) or attacks me. I have two older children and they are not around so they are never an issue.
A lot of resentments are forming and I am doubting the relationship. I try to talk to him but he ends up being cynical and sarcastic, yells, curses and then leaves bc he says he can't do anything right and I feel I don't have a voice. I end up withdrawing myself, not talking to him and crying a lot. I work from home and I am alone all day long. I have no friends or a way to make them since I am new to the state and have no clue where to go, Tried Meetup but there are no groups for people my age or nearby.
We bought a new house in this state and I am regretting doing it. I had a small home I bought after I got divorced, lived in it for about 8 years and sold it when we move so everything I have is invested in this new home that we just purchased and now I feel I can't get out of.
Any advice?

Hi there, since when he started behaving this way? if it's just recently, maybe you should talk it out, go to therapy.

Popcorn&Candy
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Posts: 7,772

Desolation and loneliness Jan 20, 2022 14:31:58 GMT -5 kjay and jen like this

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Post by Popcorn&Candy on Jan 20, 2022 14:31:58 GMT -5

It sounds like chalk and cheese: you try to talk to him, he gets angry and yells. It isn't going to work. You can talk until you're blue in the face: it won't change anything. I think your relationship is over and you're scared of walking away. Because you're in a new state: you don't know anyone. You don't have that social backup you need. Maybe you should move back to your previous home town. You won't be able to live in your previous property, but you know people there. I'd go home and leave this relationship on the scrapheap where it belongs.

Last Edit: Jan 20, 2022 14:32:10 GMT -5 by Popcorn&Candy

Reigning Supreme Queen Of Laundry

alsr
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Posts: 6,891

Desolation and loneliness Jan 20, 2022 22:24:47 GMT -5

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Post by alsr on Jan 20, 2022 22:24:47 GMT -5

Jan 20, 2022 14:31:58 GMT -5 Popcorn&Candy said:

It sounds like chalk and cheese: you try to talk to him, he gets angry and yells. It isn't going to work. You can talk until you're blue in the face: it won't change anything. I think your relationship is over and you're scared of walking away. Because you're in a new state: you don't know anyone. You don't have that social backup you need. Maybe you should move back to your previous home town. You won't be able to live in your previous property, but you know people there. I'd go home and leave this relationship on the scrapheap where it belongs.

I agree with Candy here even though I think you should give it one last try, see if he is willing to talk, if not, Candy's advice makes sense.

sarahlou63 New Member Posts: 7	Desolation and loneliness Jan 27, 2022 13:22:28 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by sarahlou63 on Jan 27, 2022 13:22:28 GMT -5 He 'hurts' and 'attacks' you - is that physically?

Popcorn&Candy
Elite Member III

Posts: 7,772

Desolation and loneliness Jan 28, 2022 14:41:31 GMT -5

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Post by Popcorn&Candy on Jan 28, 2022 14:41:31 GMT -5

If it is, get out fast. If you're the victim of domestic violence, you need to be honest with yourself. Even if he only hits you when your kids aren't there, that is still physical abuse.

If he did love you, he doesn't anymore. Don't be his punchbag. Plus, your kids aren't stupid: they know when you're hurt and crying. They are hurt and crying, too.

Please, leave this relationship: find a new future for you and your children.

Reigning Supreme Queen Of Laundry