Post by zorrow on Dec 6, 2021 2:34:57 GMT -5
3 years ago I started dating someone and soon after I moved in with him. I began working for him too. I was foolish because before I moved half way across the country for him I’d seen that he was texting other girls, but when we were together he was so loving and kind towards me I thought it was just the case that when we couldn’t be together he text other girls for attention and that it would never become physical or even tangible. After 2 years of living with him, I suspected he was having an affair despite the fact that he’d asked me to go to the doctor to have my coil removed so we could start trying for a family. When I accused him of cheating he denied it, told me I was mad and paranoid and that he’d like me to consider letting him take me to the doctors for my paranoia. He’d be driving up our drive while texting me telling me he couldn’t imagine his life without me and that I had nothing to worry about but it turns out I was right, he was having sex with another woman.
When I caught him out he begged me for forgiveness and because I was living under his roof and working for him I agreed to stay because I simply had nowhere else to go. But he continued to see her and lied to me about it and when I caught them together and approached them, he told me in front of her that he didn’t love me anymore. I left them to it but several hours later, he came home, she’d binned him off and he once again told me he regretted what he’d said and wanted to make things work. Again, I had nowhere to go, the feelings of rejection were fresh and raw so I agreed to stay. I set about making more of an effort at home, buying raw ingredients, making fresh meals, buying his favourite things etc. A week or so later he asked me again to consider having my coil removed and also asked me to consider resigning from work so that we could start a family. I was extremely suspicious. If I resigned from work I would no longer have any rights to accommodation because our work provide that to us. Several days later I realised again that he was still seeing the other woman and he was in fact trying to get me out. He was lying about wanting the family but thought if he could convince me that he was doing it ‘for us’ that I would resign from work, he could kick me out and I wouldn’t be his problem anymore. He was willing to make me jobless and homeless.
Soon after, she got bored with him and binned him off completely. Of course, then he has never been so in love with me. He has paid for everything since, even if I try to pay he refuses. Expensive clothes, meals out, short breaks away etc. I genuinely believe he regrets what he has done but only because it didn’t work out for him. If she hadn’t have binned him off I think he’d still be pursuing her now. The difference is that he has resigned and so, in the next 6 weeks, he will be leaving. I’ve said I’m staying here. He wants me to go with him but I don’t want to, I don’t trust him, I never will. I’m worried though. We should never have been in a relationship at work, our work forbids it or requires it to be declared. He didn’t want anyone to know because he was concerned they might think we could be unprofessional at work so we’ve always kept it quiet. He knows I’m staying here and he knows it’s because I don’t trust him enough to leave with him but he thinks that in time, he’ll be able to prove that I can trust him. I will never trust him. I know what he’s capable of. It wasn’t just that he got carried away and had sex with someone else, he tried to lie and make me jobless and homeless to get me out of his life and get her in it. But now that he has nobody else, he wants me more than ever. I’m worried that when he does find out that I’m never going to rejoin him, he’ll try and expose me and our relationship to my (and his previous) employer. I could end up in a disciplinary or they might put me back into my probation period for 6 months. I really want to avoid this because, with all the upset and drama in the last year, I just want to feel settled.
How would you handle letting him down and informing him that because of his actions I no longer want to be with him? I want to wait until after he has left so that he at least won’t be employed by them anymore and will have less oomph and considering that is only 3 weeks away I can manage. He’s actually going to work overseas so the distance between us will already be there and I’m wondering if he’s less likely to react badly if I sort of gradually wean my way out of the relationship and hope that he starts talking to someone else and moves on in his own way but his new employers are already putting pressure on me to move across because they obviously have no idea of the issues and they’re worried that if he’s there and I’m here, he won’t be fully committed to them.
I understand that what he has done is awful, unforgivable and I’ll never be able to trust him. I’m not in love with him anymore but despite how he has treated me, I do still have love in my heart for him. I don’t want to hurt him, nor do I wish him any harm. I want him to be successful and I want to support him through this transition. But I don’t want to be with him, I don’t want to marry him and I don’t want to have children with him so I’d love to hear your advice on how you’d dissolve this without any negative repercussions and ending up in a position whereby your work find out. Plenty of people have said ‘surely he wouldn’t stoop that low?!’ but let’s not forget he was willing to make me homeless at one point in order to continue sleeping with another woman…
When I caught him out he begged me for forgiveness and because I was living under his roof and working for him I agreed to stay because I simply had nowhere else to go. But he continued to see her and lied to me about it and when I caught them together and approached them, he told me in front of her that he didn’t love me anymore. I left them to it but several hours later, he came home, she’d binned him off and he once again told me he regretted what he’d said and wanted to make things work. Again, I had nowhere to go, the feelings of rejection were fresh and raw so I agreed to stay. I set about making more of an effort at home, buying raw ingredients, making fresh meals, buying his favourite things etc. A week or so later he asked me again to consider having my coil removed and also asked me to consider resigning from work so that we could start a family. I was extremely suspicious. If I resigned from work I would no longer have any rights to accommodation because our work provide that to us. Several days later I realised again that he was still seeing the other woman and he was in fact trying to get me out. He was lying about wanting the family but thought if he could convince me that he was doing it ‘for us’ that I would resign from work, he could kick me out and I wouldn’t be his problem anymore. He was willing to make me jobless and homeless.
Soon after, she got bored with him and binned him off completely. Of course, then he has never been so in love with me. He has paid for everything since, even if I try to pay he refuses. Expensive clothes, meals out, short breaks away etc. I genuinely believe he regrets what he has done but only because it didn’t work out for him. If she hadn’t have binned him off I think he’d still be pursuing her now. The difference is that he has resigned and so, in the next 6 weeks, he will be leaving. I’ve said I’m staying here. He wants me to go with him but I don’t want to, I don’t trust him, I never will. I’m worried though. We should never have been in a relationship at work, our work forbids it or requires it to be declared. He didn’t want anyone to know because he was concerned they might think we could be unprofessional at work so we’ve always kept it quiet. He knows I’m staying here and he knows it’s because I don’t trust him enough to leave with him but he thinks that in time, he’ll be able to prove that I can trust him. I will never trust him. I know what he’s capable of. It wasn’t just that he got carried away and had sex with someone else, he tried to lie and make me jobless and homeless to get me out of his life and get her in it. But now that he has nobody else, he wants me more than ever. I’m worried that when he does find out that I’m never going to rejoin him, he’ll try and expose me and our relationship to my (and his previous) employer. I could end up in a disciplinary or they might put me back into my probation period for 6 months. I really want to avoid this because, with all the upset and drama in the last year, I just want to feel settled.
How would you handle letting him down and informing him that because of his actions I no longer want to be with him? I want to wait until after he has left so that he at least won’t be employed by them anymore and will have less oomph and considering that is only 3 weeks away I can manage. He’s actually going to work overseas so the distance between us will already be there and I’m wondering if he’s less likely to react badly if I sort of gradually wean my way out of the relationship and hope that he starts talking to someone else and moves on in his own way but his new employers are already putting pressure on me to move across because they obviously have no idea of the issues and they’re worried that if he’s there and I’m here, he won’t be fully committed to them.
I understand that what he has done is awful, unforgivable and I’ll never be able to trust him. I’m not in love with him anymore but despite how he has treated me, I do still have love in my heart for him. I don’t want to hurt him, nor do I wish him any harm. I want him to be successful and I want to support him through this transition. But I don’t want to be with him, I don’t want to marry him and I don’t want to have children with him so I’d love to hear your advice on how you’d dissolve this without any negative repercussions and ending up in a position whereby your work find out. Plenty of people have said ‘surely he wouldn’t stoop that low?!’ but let’s not forget he was willing to make me homeless at one point in order to continue sleeping with another woman…
creaking floors, you make me laugh,