Post by pinkllama on Jun 16, 2021 19:35:31 GMT -5
Brief context: I am in a long term relationship with my bf but we are also 'open', we do occasionally have hookups with others / threesomes, but we wouldn't describe ourselves as poly because we don't 'date' others. We have rules that we follow to make sure we prioritise our relationship and respect each other's comfortability level. And we would always discuss something that might be a grey area with our boundaries. Some of our friends know about our situation, some don't. (I don't need judgement on whether you agree with this or not, this isn't what I want opinions on, so if you don't agree with it that's up to you but I don't need comments on it - I'm just providing this for context as it's relevant).
Sorry this is a super long one! Feeling super stuck.
So we have a mutual male friend, who is much closer with my bf than me but we are getting to know each other more, and we do get on really well. We are very like-minded and have some good conversations. He is aware of our arrangement and is a very respectful guy with good morals, and has made it known to my bf that he wouldn't cross that line. I believe the conversation was in the sense that, he wouldn't disrespect his mate by going near his gf (so as to not affect their friendship), not exactly that he didn't find me attractive or anything. And I highly respect this view because I think it's great how genuine/loyal he is. I have never taken an interest in him in this way, despite him being very good looking, I have lots of male friends (some who are attractive) but I am very able to have male friendships without being into them/wanting to hook up, I always have been.
There was a bit of a situation a few months ago where a couple of people got the wrong idea about our friendship and it bugged me because I assumed it was just because he's a very good looking guy, they assumed I was into him in that way, rather than just valuing him as a person and wanting to have a regular friendship. (Obv the people involved in this knew we were open). My bf had a chat with him after this situation to clear the air and it was all good. Unfortunately, the time of my bf relaying their conversation to me, was during an argument and so his tone wasn't the most chilled and he often doesn't explain things in the best way when he's angry and can use words that aren't quite accurate and can sound more hurtful than the actual true situation. So the way he had described our friend promising that he had nothing to worry about came across to me a little bit like 'there's no f-ing way that would happen!'. It kind of took me a moment but I realised that there was no way he (or anyone decent!) would insinuate to their friend that their gf wasn't attractive enough for them or whatever. So even though I knew in my heart there was no way our friend would have said that, and that it was basically just him promising he can be trusted (which honestly, he is lovely, and has close girl mates and is completely trustworthy), I still feel like this stupid thing is playing on my mind months later.
We have been in each other's company multiple times since this situation happened, in both group settings / just us two, and we've cleared the air ourselves, and other close friends of mine who knew what happened have seen us together and said they think it's all good 100% like no awkwardness no weird behaviour just genuine friendship getting on well having a laugh etc as normal. But I can't help but think there is an element of him still holding back a bit, because I see his behaviour with other girl mates and I feel like he's way less playful with me. I can't work out if it's because he doesn't think we're at that level yet, or if he's being really conscious of my bf and respecting boundaries etc.
I had a lot of anxiety going on in general around the time that we had this situation happen, and I definitely don't think that helped because it was playing on my mind a lot at the time, worrying about what other people thought etc, getting the wrong impression, up until we had cleared the air one to one, it was driving me crazy. I feel I have overcome that period now and am feeling a lot stronger mentally, and hardly care what anyone thinks or judges about me, I am feeling very comfortable with myself, so I do honestly feel my anxiety has improved massively since a few months ago.
HOWEVER. This friend has been in my thoughts every. single. day. Even since the anxiety has improved. My thoughts aren't about worry, or thinking anything bad. When we message / hang out it's pretty chilled, it's easy to get along, it's not awkward, there doesn't seem to be any tension, I don't feel nervous or anything like that. I have questioned myself like omg have I fallen for him or something, but I can honestly say no that's not the case, I don't feel like that. The thoughts I have when he comes to mind are mostly like replays of conversations / things in a group setting / things my bf has maybe said about him. But I think there's an element of my thoughts where I'm hoping we can be closer friends because I genuinely think he's such a great person and would like him to be. The only thing I can figure out is that I have this stupid deep seated need to prove to myself that I am 'good enough' for him, possibly based on comparing our friendship to others I see him having with other girls, and probably stemming from what my bf inaccurately said to me when he wasn't in a more chilled frame of mind. Like am I wanting to find out if he actually finds me attractive and prove that incorrect point wrong? (even though I really highly doubt that was what was meant/intended). Even if I'm not going to go there anyway. Am I still trying to get solid proof that we really are ok, since everything that happened before? I feel like I am happy with our friendship and others seem to recognise it seems fine too, so I really am confused and just trying to think on a deeper level what's going on.
Wtf is my anxiety doing to me?!?!?! Any insights would be massively appreciated!!
Sorry this is a super long one! Feeling super stuck.
So we have a mutual male friend, who is much closer with my bf than me but we are getting to know each other more, and we do get on really well. We are very like-minded and have some good conversations. He is aware of our arrangement and is a very respectful guy with good morals, and has made it known to my bf that he wouldn't cross that line. I believe the conversation was in the sense that, he wouldn't disrespect his mate by going near his gf (so as to not affect their friendship), not exactly that he didn't find me attractive or anything. And I highly respect this view because I think it's great how genuine/loyal he is. I have never taken an interest in him in this way, despite him being very good looking, I have lots of male friends (some who are attractive) but I am very able to have male friendships without being into them/wanting to hook up, I always have been.
There was a bit of a situation a few months ago where a couple of people got the wrong idea about our friendship and it bugged me because I assumed it was just because he's a very good looking guy, they assumed I was into him in that way, rather than just valuing him as a person and wanting to have a regular friendship. (Obv the people involved in this knew we were open). My bf had a chat with him after this situation to clear the air and it was all good. Unfortunately, the time of my bf relaying their conversation to me, was during an argument and so his tone wasn't the most chilled and he often doesn't explain things in the best way when he's angry and can use words that aren't quite accurate and can sound more hurtful than the actual true situation. So the way he had described our friend promising that he had nothing to worry about came across to me a little bit like 'there's no f-ing way that would happen!'. It kind of took me a moment but I realised that there was no way he (or anyone decent!) would insinuate to their friend that their gf wasn't attractive enough for them or whatever. So even though I knew in my heart there was no way our friend would have said that, and that it was basically just him promising he can be trusted (which honestly, he is lovely, and has close girl mates and is completely trustworthy), I still feel like this stupid thing is playing on my mind months later.
We have been in each other's company multiple times since this situation happened, in both group settings / just us two, and we've cleared the air ourselves, and other close friends of mine who knew what happened have seen us together and said they think it's all good 100% like no awkwardness no weird behaviour just genuine friendship getting on well having a laugh etc as normal. But I can't help but think there is an element of him still holding back a bit, because I see his behaviour with other girl mates and I feel like he's way less playful with me. I can't work out if it's because he doesn't think we're at that level yet, or if he's being really conscious of my bf and respecting boundaries etc.
I had a lot of anxiety going on in general around the time that we had this situation happen, and I definitely don't think that helped because it was playing on my mind a lot at the time, worrying about what other people thought etc, getting the wrong impression, up until we had cleared the air one to one, it was driving me crazy. I feel I have overcome that period now and am feeling a lot stronger mentally, and hardly care what anyone thinks or judges about me, I am feeling very comfortable with myself, so I do honestly feel my anxiety has improved massively since a few months ago.
HOWEVER. This friend has been in my thoughts every. single. day. Even since the anxiety has improved. My thoughts aren't about worry, or thinking anything bad. When we message / hang out it's pretty chilled, it's easy to get along, it's not awkward, there doesn't seem to be any tension, I don't feel nervous or anything like that. I have questioned myself like omg have I fallen for him or something, but I can honestly say no that's not the case, I don't feel like that. The thoughts I have when he comes to mind are mostly like replays of conversations / things in a group setting / things my bf has maybe said about him. But I think there's an element of my thoughts where I'm hoping we can be closer friends because I genuinely think he's such a great person and would like him to be. The only thing I can figure out is that I have this stupid deep seated need to prove to myself that I am 'good enough' for him, possibly based on comparing our friendship to others I see him having with other girls, and probably stemming from what my bf inaccurately said to me when he wasn't in a more chilled frame of mind. Like am I wanting to find out if he actually finds me attractive and prove that incorrect point wrong? (even though I really highly doubt that was what was meant/intended). Even if I'm not going to go there anyway. Am I still trying to get solid proof that we really are ok, since everything that happened before? I feel like I am happy with our friendship and others seem to recognise it seems fine too, so I really am confused and just trying to think on a deeper level what's going on.
Wtf is my anxiety doing to me?!?!?! Any insights would be massively appreciated!!